Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Of all the things I've lost...I miss my eyelashes the most
I was supposed to start a new round of chemo yesterday but I'm sick, so, as the soup nazi would say, "No chemo for you!" Each time a chemo treatment gets pushed back I feel a sense of bitter-sweetness because it's poison, yet I know it's poison that is meant to kill the disease that's trying to kill me, so I'm caught in a paradox...I hate it - but yet I hate it when it's postponed too.
Everything is so unpredictable and nothing is the same as it was...I feel old and tired and I'm not yet 40. Today I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who were visiting with me; I was feeling down about my physical appearance and I jokingly said, "Of all the things I've lost I miss my eyelashes the most..." I have like 4 eyelashes left! One of my friends, "the fixer" quickly rushed to my aid, offering to bring in fake eyelashes, wish some glue and some mascara she could fix me up as good as new! My other friend, very practical, told me that my eyelashes will grow back. True nuff...but so can the cancer.
I don't know what's wrong with me right now. It's late and I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have so much to be thankful for and here I am in the darkness of the night complaining about the fact that the chemotherapy has stolen my eyelashes. That sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? It's just that I *feel* bad right now. I know it will pass but it's here now - the fear and the sadness - perched right next to me, uninvited guests to the surprise pity party.
My body has changed beyond recognition over the past 6 months. The original structure is still there - but it's as though a tornado has ripped through and demolished much of it.
I have been searching but I am unable to find any peace tonight.
Everything is so unpredictable and nothing is the same as it was...I feel old and tired and I'm not yet 40. Today I was talking to a couple of friends of mine who were visiting with me; I was feeling down about my physical appearance and I jokingly said, "Of all the things I've lost I miss my eyelashes the most..." I have like 4 eyelashes left! One of my friends, "the fixer" quickly rushed to my aid, offering to bring in fake eyelashes, wish some glue and some mascara she could fix me up as good as new! My other friend, very practical, told me that my eyelashes will grow back. True nuff...but so can the cancer.
I don't know what's wrong with me right now. It's late and I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have so much to be thankful for and here I am in the darkness of the night complaining about the fact that the chemotherapy has stolen my eyelashes. That sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? It's just that I *feel* bad right now. I know it will pass but it's here now - the fear and the sadness - perched right next to me, uninvited guests to the surprise pity party.
My body has changed beyond recognition over the past 6 months. The original structure is still there - but it's as though a tornado has ripped through and demolished much of it.
I have been searching but I am unable to find any peace tonight.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
This too shall pass
Or will it…
This time last year when I would become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions I would cut myself or drink myself into a dissociative state. There were times I would wake up in a pool of blood and not know how it happened. Friday nights were the worst night of the week for me because more than twenty years later I would still play out the same scenario of abuse over and over again. I couldn’t get through a Friday night without hurting myself – most of the time I didn’t realize it was even happening.
I never learned how to sit with my feelings or even “feel” them – or allow them – and know that they would eventually pass – no matter what they were. When I would fall into the pit of despair it felt like I would never climb out…all that has changed now. I don’t know why so I can’t explain it. I still have the same emotions, the same thoughts – there are times I’m still depressed, and I still want to hurt myself – but I haven’t. Not since I was diagnosed with ‘the cancer’.
They say a cancer diagnosis changes your life. It’s true. Since I was diagnosed with cancer my life has changed dramatically. I have an incurable, but ‘treatable’, form of blood cancer. My life now is so different from what it was a year ago I don’t even recognize it. My life is now chemotherapy and cancer centers and hospitals and fighting to live and not die. I look back on my life now and I want those days, weeks, years back. But I can’t have them… I only have right now.
I hear people say cancer is a gift and they’re thankful for having cancer. I’m not thankful for cancer. Having cancer sucks. I am being attacked by from the inside out. I’ve spent more time in the hospital in the past 6 months than the previous 38 years. Chemotherapy is poison and the side effects are severe and frightening; fatigue, nausea/vomiting, weight loss, hair loss, neutropenia. Cancer takes from you your pride, your energy, your confidence. It’s not much different than the abuse of the past: cancer can bring people together and tear people apart.
Last week I learned that my best chance for surviving this is a stem cell transplant and even then the cancer will most likely eventually come back. That’s the reality. Yesterday I spent hours crying on the bathroom floor, and then I got angry and threw a water bottle at the wall and screamed, “why me” into a pillow. Last night I was unable to sleep as my cancer ridden body tries to fight off another infection and I alternate between sweating and chills.
This morning my pelvis, hips, back, and chest are throbbing in excruciating pain as my body tries to produce white blood cells in mass quantities…wow! That hurts. But the sun is shining and I am blessed to have family and friends who reach out with love and support and truly make days like yesterday bearable. I don’t know what today will bring, what the future will hold, or if I will even have one – yesterday wasn’t a good day, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid, but I’ve already been to hell and back, cancer obviously didn’t get the message…I will win…every time.
This time last year when I would become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions I would cut myself or drink myself into a dissociative state. There were times I would wake up in a pool of blood and not know how it happened. Friday nights were the worst night of the week for me because more than twenty years later I would still play out the same scenario of abuse over and over again. I couldn’t get through a Friday night without hurting myself – most of the time I didn’t realize it was even happening.
I never learned how to sit with my feelings or even “feel” them – or allow them – and know that they would eventually pass – no matter what they were. When I would fall into the pit of despair it felt like I would never climb out…all that has changed now. I don’t know why so I can’t explain it. I still have the same emotions, the same thoughts – there are times I’m still depressed, and I still want to hurt myself – but I haven’t. Not since I was diagnosed with ‘the cancer’.
They say a cancer diagnosis changes your life. It’s true. Since I was diagnosed with cancer my life has changed dramatically. I have an incurable, but ‘treatable’, form of blood cancer. My life now is so different from what it was a year ago I don’t even recognize it. My life is now chemotherapy and cancer centers and hospitals and fighting to live and not die. I look back on my life now and I want those days, weeks, years back. But I can’t have them… I only have right now.
I hear people say cancer is a gift and they’re thankful for having cancer. I’m not thankful for cancer. Having cancer sucks. I am being attacked by from the inside out. I’ve spent more time in the hospital in the past 6 months than the previous 38 years. Chemotherapy is poison and the side effects are severe and frightening; fatigue, nausea/vomiting, weight loss, hair loss, neutropenia. Cancer takes from you your pride, your energy, your confidence. It’s not much different than the abuse of the past: cancer can bring people together and tear people apart.
Last week I learned that my best chance for surviving this is a stem cell transplant and even then the cancer will most likely eventually come back. That’s the reality. Yesterday I spent hours crying on the bathroom floor, and then I got angry and threw a water bottle at the wall and screamed, “why me” into a pillow. Last night I was unable to sleep as my cancer ridden body tries to fight off another infection and I alternate between sweating and chills.
This morning my pelvis, hips, back, and chest are throbbing in excruciating pain as my body tries to produce white blood cells in mass quantities…wow! That hurts. But the sun is shining and I am blessed to have family and friends who reach out with love and support and truly make days like yesterday bearable. I don’t know what today will bring, what the future will hold, or if I will even have one – yesterday wasn’t a good day, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid, but I’ve already been to hell and back, cancer obviously didn’t get the message…I will win…every time.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
It's back again
It’s back again ~ that uninvited feeling.
It never asks if it’s welcome.
It just comes back again and again, that feeling of absolute hopelessness.
It wells up inside of you, consumes you, you try to hide it, but you can’t.
The darkness shows in the shallow tears that fill your wretched blue eyes.
The hollow despair is visible in the sardonic smile that sits heavily on your face.
You wonder why it’s there…
You wonder if it will ever end…
You want to scream and cry and rant and rave!
You want to run away. You want out of this life! You want a better one!
A life without all of these tears! A life without the fears!
You want a life without pain and disillusionment…
One with love and not lies…
But there is no out.
So you sit…and you wait…
And it hurts…and it’s lonely…
And there’s pain and there’s fear
Because there is no out…
There’s only ‘this’…
It never asks if it’s welcome.
It just comes back again and again, that feeling of absolute hopelessness.
It wells up inside of you, consumes you, you try to hide it, but you can’t.
The darkness shows in the shallow tears that fill your wretched blue eyes.
The hollow despair is visible in the sardonic smile that sits heavily on your face.
You wonder why it’s there…
You wonder if it will ever end…
You want to scream and cry and rant and rave!
You want to run away. You want out of this life! You want a better one!
A life without all of these tears! A life without the fears!
You want a life without pain and disillusionment…
One with love and not lies…
But there is no out.
So you sit…and you wait…
And it hurts…and it’s lonely…
And there’s pain and there’s fear
Because there is no out…
There’s only ‘this’…
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